Transcript

[NSA secure wiretap transcript from early 2001 obtained by Tabby Cat]

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*ring*

Ted Olson here.

Hi Ted, this is Dick, Dick Cheney. How are you?

Hello Dick, how the hell are you? Yes fine, we're real busy here but hanging in, still hanging in.

Yeah, yeah you're giving em hell. Listen Ted, we're both real busy and I won't take much of your time. I've got something big we need your help on.

You just name it Dick. What's up?

Ted you've always been a team player. God knows you pulled us out of one hell of a mess, that shitstorm down in Florida and the Court, goddamn election farce. The President doesn't forget that, you know yourself how he is. Now we need a guy we can really count on and your name came up of course. This a secure line?

Yeah, yes sir, tight as they come, Dick.

Good. This one has gotta be quiet now and on forward. Ted, I know you understand the President and myself value loyalty above all, you’ve always known that and you’ve always played by our rules so the President knows you're a guy... you really deliver. So we’re turning to you now again and the President knows, I know, you won't disappoint us.

I'm flattered to be called on, Dick, let me know what I can do.

Let me sketch in some background for you. Ted, since the Soviets fell, this country, our country, America is getting weak. It’s a dangerous world, you and I know it, but these pussies and liberals are rotting us from inside out. Clinton gutted us, worse than he couldn't keep his dick in his pants, he just gave the whole fucking store away to these liberal pussies. And we've thought and just wracked ourselves, how can we recover from that asshole, what he's done to this nation.

Preaching to the choir, Dick.

Yeah yeah I know, the President knows you, you see it too. And where's the country going from here, if we don't set it right? Military's in the crapper, anarchist street riots in Seattle last year or when that was … things are just getting unglued. I know you're smart Ted, I don't have to paint the big picture by numbers for you. Anyway there's going to be an operation.

Go on Dick, I'm with you every step.

This operation… it'll have to be something that’ll change everything, just set us back right once for all. We’ve got enough great folks on the operational side that’ll take care of everything. Where you come in is, all the major league assholes in the media, they'll give us all kinds of grief. So that's ... when it first hits the press the whole thing could be another shitstorm if it isn’t played right. We'll keep the public with us fine, but we need some help steering the goddamn media.

Oh God, those fuckers. Just tell me what I can do to help the President, and yourself, to help it out. Just name it.

Ok you know those raghead fuckers, Moslem shits, tried to take out the Trade Center ten some years back. They’re still out there, and they’re going to do that again. And for sure they'll hit some other big  targets this time. It's a big operation, and we need everything to come together. These Islamic shitheads are attacking us, ok and they're worse than the goddamn Russians. At least those Russian fuckheads were white people. Point is, they're gonna look as if ... they'll look like they hit us with everything, of course the operations guys will do it all on the actual day. Moslem cocksuckers out there are too busy butt fucking their camels to even have the balls to even come at us anymore. Point is that it’s got to look right.

This is really brilliant.

Yeah, well, it was just putting a few obvious loose end things together. I can’t tell you much more in the details of it than what we’ve said so far. But where you come in, Ted, we need you to put the right story on it. We need you to launch this right for us. It's gotta be real... sound just as real as we can make it, and its gotta be personal, human interest from a credible upright guy. That’s you. You put it out as your own story, and nobody’s gonna doubt that Bin Ladin and those raghead fuckers mocked us, they hit us and they left us bleeding. And then we are gonna hit those cocksuckers back so hard, knock them back to the fucking tenth century, camel fucking assholes.

Dick, I’m with you all the way. It’s brilliant and just tell me exactly what the President needs from me on this, you’ve got it.

Ted, we hear things are a little troubled between you and Barbara.

We're going to be separated, didn't think that was making the rounds so quick. Perfect Washington couple aren't we … Why do you ask?

Listen this will involve Barbara. She's going to need to go away for a while, play a victim of this Moslem terror hit. And your part is to play that up, put up a big show, mainly in the start, you’re gonna launch the story right for us. You'll be the first and our biggest victim on the day, and so that’s … it’s whatever you say that’ll steer it.

Dick, I’m flattered you're bringing us on board, and no matter what, Barbara is a good American above all. She’ll be thrilled to help out the President and yourself, any time, anything.

Thanks Ted, I knew you’d be on board with us. It won't be easy, all kinds of media big time assholes will be down your neck for a while. But we know, the President knows, you're with us, you're a man we can count on and who we do count on.

Dick, I’m proud to work with you on this or anything.

And no need to even say it, the President doesn’t forget who says how do I help and who sticks a goddamn knife in his back. This goddamn town, traitors and pussies wall to fucking wall, he knows who’s with him. He’ll remember and we’ll take good care of you when the time comes, down the line.

I’m grateful Dick, but more than just me, let’s take back the country once and for good.

That's the idea Ted. Listen my ops guys will be back to you with some more details. You're good with the press, just cover 'em with bullshit. Most of them just want their press release but there are those few major league assholes. We'll handle most of the flack from here. You just need to get your story out early and just stick to it, no matter what you hear on the day, just stick to it, just remember this talk OK? Can I tell the President you’re with us a hundred percent?

Dick, I'm your man.