Jesus vs General Patton
More War, Less Evil?
A debate between Jesus Christ, inspirational figure featured in The Holy Bible, and Gen. George Patton, commander of the United States Third Army
Transcript from July 1, 2007
Host: This week, we return to a story that never seems to go away - is war the best way to deal with Evil. Tonight we have with us a man who is the subject of the best selling fictional book of all time, the Holy Bible -- Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God, who disapproves of war. We are also joined by someone who is in direct opposition to Mr. Jesus' theory. He is General George Patton, veteran of numerous military campaigns in Sicily and North Africa, and commander of the American Third Army. Jesus, perhaps you could kick things off for us by summarizing what you have to say about fighting evil. We've had a lot of questions about it already.
Jesus: I say unto you, that ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
General Patton: That, JC, is a crock of bullshit. Americans love to fight, traditionally. All real Americans love the sting and clash of battle. In fact all real men like to fight. Aren't you a real man?
Jesus:I am That and More General. Yet even so, blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. And blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
General Patton: You don't mean meek, Son, you mean yellow. You don't mean persecuted, you mean loser. I'm only going to say it one time for you JC - Americans love a winner. Americans will not tolerate a loser. Americans despise cowards. Americans play to win all of the time. I wouldn't give a hoot in hell for a man who lost and laughed. That's why Americans have never lost nor will ever lose a war; for the very idea of losing is hateful to an American. You got me wondering, JC, if you're a real American after all.
Jesus: General, whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
General Patton: Well, JC, I say you are a fool, and a goddamn fool. Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best and it removes all that is base. Americans pride themselves on being He Men and they are He Men.
Jesus: Now, now, General - you are being prideful. And If I may interject here - please watch your language , for I say unto you, swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne: nor by the earth; for it is his footstool.
General Patton: Horseshit!
Jesus: Be that as it may, General, my message boils down to this: Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
General Patton: Peacemakers? That's another word for yellow! We don't want yellow cowards in this Army. They should be killed off like rats. If not, they will go home after this war and breed more cowards. The brave men will breed more brave men. Kill off the Goddamned cowards and we will have a nation of brave men.
Jesus: I repeat unto you, General, That ye should resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek turn to him the other also.
General Patton: More absolute horseshit. Listen, JC, I'm starting to think you don't know any more about real fighting under fire than you know about fucking!
Jesus: Forgive him Father, for he knows not what he says. Now I say unto you, General, that you must Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.
General Patton: Our enemies, JC? On the contrary, we're going to shoot the enemy. And we're not going to just shoot the sons-of-bitches, we're going to rip out their living Goddamned guts and use them to grease the treads of our tanks. We're going to murder those lousy cocksuckers by the bushel-fucking-basket. War is a bloody, killing business. You've got to spill their blood, or they will spill yours. Rip them up the belly. Shoot them in the guts. We are going to twist their balls and kick the living shit out of them all of the time.
Jesus: Those who live by the sword shall die by the sword.
General Patton: I don't want any goddamn sword. I am not interested in holding onto anything except the enemy's balls. You should grow a pair yourself JC, so that a few years from now when you're up in heaven and God takes you on his knee and asks you what you did on Earth, you won't have to cough, shift over to the other knee and say, "Well Father, your Son shoveled shit in Jerusalem."
