"A new book by author Joseph Niezgoda alleges that John Lennon owed his meteoric ascent and the Beatles unprecedented popularity to a pact he secretly made to sell his soul to Satan."
- Associated Press wire story
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It's a little known Tabby Cat fact that I too was once in touch with Satan's PR office, trying to get some kind of deal going along those same lines. Fortunately I recorded the call and saved a transcript.
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*ringtone*
Hell: Incendiary Retributive Enterprises, how may we combust you today?
TC: Hi, I need to talk to Satan.
Hell: Who may I say is calling, Sir?
TC: This is Tabby Cat.
Hell: I'll need to put on you hold for just an eternity Sir, can you endure that?
TC: No problem, just get him on the line, I have a business proposal.
Hell: (puts TC on hold) ♫ ... my heart will go onnnn... ♪
Hell:Mr. Tabby Cat? Happy to keep you writhing Sir. Unfortunately Satan has a real forkful on his hooves this morning, could we ask you to call back at a more convenient millennium?
TC:Look, I haven't got time to fuck around with you guys. Go back there and tell him it's Tabby, from the Gamespace blog, and if he doesn't want his face egged all over the web in my morning post tomorrow he'll get his ass on this line right now.
Hell: *muffled background noise, indistinct speech, distant shouts and a scream*
Satan: Hey Tabby brah, sorry about that ... new girl we're breaking in, hard to get good help down here... haha... what can I do for you, bud?
TC: I need to sell you my soul, in exchange for a meteoric rise to worldly fame and fortune.
Satan: ... *cough* ... yeah, well... sure Tabby bro, absolutamente man, we'd ... we'd love to take you on, take you up on that, that'd be... a real dream deal for us, hell you're already a star, we'd hardly have to lift a talon on the publicity side, but uh... *swallow* ... you know, can we get back to you on this?
TC:What's the matter with you? I'm pitching you guys the deal of a lifetime and you act like I'm firehosing you with holy water. Wait a sec - does this have anything to do with my species? Because if so you guys are going to rue the day you were ever...
Satan: Just hold on there a minute, Tabby, hold your horses. Nobody's said anything about your species, where do you get that? We love animals down here, why our security division is run by a three-headed dog for chrissake pardon my French. Look, can you just calm down and call us again in a few days, I'm sure we can uh... work something out.
TC:I really cannot believe I'm hearing this. Basically you guys are refusing to buy my soul.
Satan: Look Tabby, if it were up to me, why, I'd sign you in a tail twitch but...
TC: But what? Jesus Christ what's the matter with you guys!?
Satan: Well it's just that something like this, I mean, your particular case, see ... I have stakeholders, other considerations, property values to think of ... Tabby, we've worked hard down here for unending eons to establish our brand and well, frankly Tabby... we're just not sure your soul would really be a fit for us here. My guys tell me that with your foul mouth, your propensity for extreme physical violence, your incessant maniacal ravings, your impenetrable egotism - you're... well frankly, you're ... overqualified.
TC: ... !
Satan:But don't go away mad. Actually I had you on my to-do list anyway, I've been meaning to give you a call.
TC: What are you talking about?
Satan:Well, see it's like this Tabby. Business is way up down here, volume-wise, but in this recent downturn, we're having trouble getting any traction towards a profit. Seems like we end every month in the red. So I got together with the board and we got to pondering whether we need to trim down a little, same tme bulk up our cash reserves. And we ended with a notion that we'd basically hold a corporate fire sale, just dump and shed some of our core assets, starting with my own soul. Only thing is, we need a qualified buyer...
TC: Let me get this straight you, Satan, are putting your soul on the market.
Satan: ... "on the market" - that's not really the buzz we're looking to build around this once in a lifetime opportunity, Tabby. My soul is a unique historical commodity and should command a premium, from the right party... and Tabby, bud, that's where the board and I felt that we just had to approach you and give you first shot at this. We knocked our heads together and asked ourselves - who's an even bigger asshole than me? So your name naturally came up. And with your deep pockets ... all that "Million Dollar Tabby" stuff, hey we're big fans of the blog down here and ...
TC: I don't know though. What would I do with your soul?
Satan: Damn it, Tabby, I'm the Angel of Light, for fuck's sake! Stuff me in a jar and use me as a battery-free bug lamp for all I care, but I make budget this month or I'm toast. Tabby I'm down on my hooves and knees to you here, don't make me humiliate myself....
TC: Keep it in your pants Satan. I'll have my people run the numbers and get back to you. Jesus H. Christ! But you can tell the board one thing from me right now.
Satan: Yes? Just you name it, Tabby.
TC: Lose the dog.
