Tai Chi Tale

A King once heard of the subtle art of Taijiquan from the land across the seas where the Great Khan sat on the usurped Dragon Throne. And the King grew wroth that the Great Khan should know of this wonderful art and he not. So he summoned the royal herald and bade him trumpet the call with brass and banner that whosoever will teach the King the All and Everything of Taijiquan should have his daughter, the fair princess, to wed. But woe to him who would try his hand yet fail the task, for the life of that false teacher must be forfeit.

And it chanced there was a caravan passing along the great Silk Road that wound through all the Kingdoms of the Earth, and among the handlers of the ugly ill-tempered beasts of burden there was one who knew much of Taijiquan, for many were the nights when, camped hard by the vermilion gates of the City of the Northern Peace, he had spied on the Old Teacher and his students at their curious play. And when this Driver heard the brass horns and saw the silk banners of the King proclaiming the strange challenge, he bethought to win the hand of the Princess, for across all the Kingdoms spanned by the Road there was not one other with her black eyes and voice sweet beyond the gale of night.

So the Driver came to the Court and stood before the King, as one who would answer the horns and challenge the banners, to teach the King All and Everything of the great art of Taijiquan.

You do not please my eyes, nor neither my nose, Camel Driver. Wroth should I be, to have you take my daughter’s hand and bed. 

Yet, said the Driver, I have heard the brass and seen the banner and before you now I stand. I will teach you the All and Everything of Taijiquan and well may it please Your Highness to know this secret thing.

Very well snorted the King, you may proceed, though your life be the forfeit.

And the Driver said:

Never shall you apply, neither ever shall you accept, more than four ounces of force.

And King grew wroth and stormed, that is your All and Everything of Taijiquan? You mock me! For this is but a single sentence, and nowhere there do I hear of the marvels of structural alignment and kua deamplification and prioneservational mandibular cervical torque! But a single sentence! And nothing of posture nor structure nor angular redeployment? You, Driver, are a pretender, an imposter, come to mock at Our solemnity, for long have We hungered to make Ourselves master of this great Art.

And the King rolled his eyes and with a weary gesture commanded the Royal Guard,  Take now his head as the forfeit of his gall.

And even as the King regarded the Driver’s head, brought to him on a plate of silver, he felt sad and bethought himself: Am I, with all my gold and all my soldiers greater in number than the myriad scales of the serpent Ana Konda of the Dark Lands never to know the All and Everything of Taijiquan? And he commanded to his herald, re-sound the call!

Now in a forest cave not far from the soaring spires of the palace there dwelt a Wise One. And little had this Wise One to do with the trumpery and finery of the great King’s court. Yet when, in the shell of conch which he held ever to his ear, he heard the brass horns, and when, in the ball of crystal that sat ever before him, he saw the banners, and when, in his mind which ever bedeviled him, he bethought of the beauty of the Princess and the lilt of her songs, a fever raged within him and he resolved to teach the King the All and Everything of Taijiquan, made known to him by his Master who was renowned in times now gone by.

So the Wise One came to the Court and stood before the King, as one who would  answer the brass and challenge the banner, to teach the King the All and Everything of the great art of Taijiquan.

You do not please my eyes, but you are easier on my nose, Wise One. Yet even so, wroth should I be, to have you take my daughter’s hand and bed.  For you are old and wizened and ill suit the favors of one so fair as she.

Even so, said the Wise One, I have heard the brass horns and seen the banners and before you now I stand. I will teach you the All and Everything of Taijiquan and well may it please Your Highness to know this secret thing.

May it be as you say, snorted the King, you may proceed, though your life be the forfeit.

And the Wise One said:

Ordinary breath, ordinary mind.

And King grew wroth and stormed, that is your All and Everything of Taijiquan? You mock me! For this is but a single phrase, and nowhere there do I hear of the marvels of postural reintegrational rotation and inguinal increase intensification and ligamental phase-locked reseveration! But a single phrase! Why, did not even the Camel Driver dare to proffer no less than a sentence! And you say nothing of posture nor structure nor angular torque? You, Wise One, are a pretender, an imposter, come to mock at Our solemnity, for long have We lusted to make Ourselves master of this great Art.

And the King rolled his eyes and with a weary gesture commanded the Royal Guard, Take now his head as the forfeit of his gall.

And even as the King regarded the Wise One’s head, brought to him on a plate of gold, he felt sad and bethought himself: Am I, with all my jewels and all my trumpeters greater in number than the rocks heaped beyond count as the tomb of  Pharoah of the Scorched Lands never to know the All and Everything of Taijiquan? And he commanded to his herald, re-sound the call!

Now it chanced that in the great kitchens of the Palace, snoozing on a bed of straw scrunched comfily near the fireplace, was a stray tabby cat. The scullery maid had brought him in out of the alley from the rain some days before and set him near the hearth to dry. Cleaned of his mud, a saucer of cream by his side, well content a cat was he, and he had resolved to pass all his days snoozing there, forever. Yet when the brassy blare of the herald's horns smote his cute furry ears, and when the annoying flutter of the herald’s banners smote his beautiful cerulean eyes, he decided to put an end to all that bother for once and ever.  

And so he would teach the King the All and Everything of Taijiquan, for the Tabby knew much of martial arts that he never told nor showed to any man.

So the Tabby Cat came from the scullery to the Court and sat comfortably before the King, as one who would  answer the brass and challenge the banner, to teach the King the All and Everything of the great art of Taijiquan.

You greatly please my eyes, and you are fragrant as a rose, Tabby Cat. Yet even so, wroth should I be, to have you take my daughter’s hand and bed.  For you are a cat and this is forbidden by the laws of the Almighty and our Kingdom alike.

Never mind all that nonsense, said the Cat, for I have heard your brass horns and seen the banners and I’m getting really pissed off at having my naps disturbed all the time. I will now teach you the All and Everything of Taijiquan and well may it please Your Highness to know this secret thing and may you then tell the Herald to put a sock in it.

May it be as you say, sniffed the King, you may proceed, though your life be the forfeit.

And the Tabby Cat said:

Relax.

And King grew wroth and stormed, that is your All and Everything of Taijiquan? You mock me! For this is but a single word, and nowhere there do I hear of the science of muscular-skeletal integrity! But a single word! Why even the Driver dared proffer no less than a sentence, and the Wise One no less than a phrase! You, Tabby, are a pretender, and a faker, come to mock at Our solemnity, for long have We thirsted to make Ourselves master of this great Art. And the King rolled his eyes and with an angry gesture commanded the Royal Guard, Take now his head as the forfeit of his gall!

But the Tabby sat calm as a clam on the morning beach of the Great Waters and said:

You King are a fool. The Camel Driver taught you truly, but you would have more, so you lost all he would have given. So also, the Wise One taught you truly, but again you would have more, and you lost all he would have given.  Now I have truly taught you the All and Everything of Taijiquan, yet still you would have more, more, more, always and forever you would have more – more words, more books, more teachers, more websites, more instructional DVD’s, more workshops, more seminars, more training camps in China, more masters and methods, more theory and commentary, more training drills and sequences and postures and exercises and more blogs and discussion, and practice groups and schools – always and forever you would fain have More.

But the All and Everything of Taijiquan is only this word: Less.

And never shall you have my head on a platter, neither a platter of gold nor one of silver, nor yet one of lead, for I’m outta here.

And even as the Royal Guards rushed forward to seize him, the Tabby with his subtle skill, forged in the All and Everything of Taijiquan, slickered easily among  their armored legs and whisked through a crack in the planks of the scullery doors and with a single bound jumped over the kettle and up the chimney like a wisp of the smoke of the hearth.

Nor came again the Tabby into the scullery to sleep by the fire as he had been wont to do, for he went to another part of the Earth.

THE END