Dear Homeland Security Ministry,
I have received your recent notification that as part of the Homeland Security Ministry's new "They Sleep Within: Know Your Pet" program, all pet owners are mandated to submit a psychological profile and security affidavit on behalf of all owned animals.
As Tabby Cat's human owner, and, more than merely that, as a loyal patriotic USA gut DeutscherI am more than eager to comply. However, to avoid any embarrassment to my pet or inadvertently politically compromising him in any way, I thought it best to offer my draft profile to him for editing.
So even though the following profile, submitted with this correspondence, has been mildly redacted by Tabby, his essential core, I believe, shines through undiminished.
Most respectful regards Always,
- Loyal Pet-Owning Citizen.
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I acquired Tabby Cat, admittedly a somewhat ████████ specimen of ██████, from a back █████ in the █████ quarter of ███████████. It was only after I had owned him for ██ days that I began to observe certain slight but unmistakable █████ of ████████████, which a less keen observer/owner than myself might have taken for ███████ or worse. But I pride myself on being a knowledgeable amateur veterinarian and expert on animal █████████ health, so upon recognizing a probable case of █████████ (sub-clinical █████), I took instant action and made an appointment with the nearest █████████ for ████████ and evaluation.
We drove over, and after I █████████ Tabby's ████ loose from my █████ and did what I could to staunch the ███ of ███ and the █████, finally the ████ and I managed to get the ███████ over Tabby's ████████, and quickly █████ it tight. We then proceeded to the █████ room. The animal █████████ specialist gave Tabby a very thoroughly professional ██████, taking a particular interest in Tabby's █████████ and █████ .
The █████ nature and extreme █████ of Tabby's ██████ seemed to ██████ even this very distinguished animal ██████ specialist and he suggested contacting the local Federal █████████ office for further support in his diagnosis from their ██████ lab. Meanwhile, Tabby wasn't contributing to a calm atmosphere in the ██████ room, as he took advantage of the earsplitting ██████ of all the ██████ in the distance outside and the ██████ overhead to ██████ out of his █████████ and proceeded to ██████ up the █████████, leaving a trail of █████████ across the floor, walls, and ceiling.
At this point, the animal █████████ totally lost it and began ██████ to the ██████ to immediately redial the █████████ and tell them to expedite that ██████ ██████ team. But I managed to calm him sufficiently to the point that he agreed that we could probably just use his █████████, if loaded with █████████ █████████, to █████████ Tabby off the ███████ without need of further external assistance.
Well, even the best owner can make a ███ call now and then. I mean, I'm only human. I really think the animal █████████ was seriously overstating the case when he estimated damages from the ensuing ███████ as well north of █████████ USD - that's just ridiculous! I mean, it was only a ██████████ facility for God's sake, you'd have thought it was Versailles or something the way the ███████████ carried on about it.
Anyway, as the █████████ team had finally ██████ up the ██████ by then, between the ████ of us we all managed to get Tabby somewhat under █████████, and we'd even begun to line up the ████ team officers for their █████████ shots when suddenly Tabby █████████ through a █████████ in the sideboard.
Upshot of the whole thing was that when the █████████ recovered use of his remaining █████, he drafted a professional assessment of Tabby, of which he sent along a copy. So I think it's really fortunate that I happen to be in an excellent position to fulfill your Agency's (Homeland Security's) mandated request for evaluation, and I would like to simply let the █████████'s words speak for themselves, and I quote:
"█████, ████████████! ███████████████? ████████████████████████████████████ owner █████████ "pet" █████████████ horse tranquilizer █████████ but █████████ absolutely █████████. In my considered judgement █████████ never █████████ in the first place. ██████████████████ bodily fluids ████████ national policy █████████, after █████ chandelier ████████████of the entire █████████ ██████ released ███████ from the █████████, █████████ half the ███ ████████████████████████████████ exo-biologists ██████ for extensive █████████ and a 24-hour █████ detail. ████ Phencyclidine, ██████ doubtful ████████████ and will NOT be █████████ hereby ██████ and if you don't █████ you can █████████ !!"
Well, there you have it, straight from the horse's mouth, haha. Should the Ministry have any additional questions for me or Tabby, you can reach us any time, █████ or █████, email to: █████████@█████████.███ or telephone us at ███-█████-█████. We both know our patriotic duty and are more than █████████ to █████████ !
