TABBY CAT Gamespace

Advice: Grab bag

Dear Readers,

It was brought to my attention that there hasn't been much Tabbinical wisdom recently, so today we'll dip into the ever-accumulating Dear Tabby mailbag, and randomly choose a few softballs.

* * *

Dear Tabby,

I weep for somebody I know, call her A., this beautiful girl, gorgeous, petite young thing - a lovely lively little ballerina at age 9, then when she hit 12, her 17-year-old girlfriend turned A. on to meth. A. became instantly addicted for the next 7 years was tweaking every single day with said girlfriend. By 19, the crank had pretty much shut down her kidneys, and now at 21 A. goes to dialysis 3 days a week, and works til 1 AM at some sleazy "Asian Health Spa" turning tricks for cash... recently the dialysis is causing complications so she's entered her name to the nationwide register for a transplant - in line after the 74,000 people already waitlisted. I weep for her Tabby. What can I do?

- Hand Wringing and Hanky Dabbing

Dear Tear Jerker,

Too late now. No point closing the barn door when the cow's already out. Your letter is a classic example of why long ago I coined the Tabbic classic adage "Friends Don't Let Friends Reincarnate".

Dear Tabby,

What's up with you lately? The Tabby I had come to know and love was cheery, whimsical, lighthearted. Sure, a bit mischievous in tone now and then but never mean-spirited. Always fun fun fun. But lately your writings have darknened considerably. You've become verbally abusive, chauvinistic, paranoid, arrogant, bombastic, pathologically violent, ugly in style and content, and incredibly vulgar. Where did you make your wrong turn Tabby? Is it anything I can help with?

- Sincerely Hoping It's Temporary

Dear SHIT,

Listen up asshole! Where the fuck do you get off, making up all these fake charges?  I'd break your face, but a piece of shit like you isn't even worth chafing my knuckles on. You can expect to hear from my lawyer though. I know your kind, you have your eye on the Cat Scam Enterprises toxic waste escrow set aside fund, dontcha? I'm onto you. Scum! Whadaya mean, I was "cheery and whimsical" ? So you saying I was some kinda GIRLY CAT?? Is that it? Watch your mouth or, lawyers or no lawyers, by god it'll be pistols at dawn.

Advice: Biz Pitch

Dear Tabby,

I know you by reputation to be a forward-looking and free-thinking astral advice animal. So I'm bringing you the opportunity of the epoch. It came to me in the shower the other day, after I'd been reading about the new web services down on the Earth Plane, that offer after-death cleanup of a human's online detritus - post-mortem information insurance. You know, sites like AssetLock.net, LegacyLocker.com, DeathSwitch.com etc. These guys will delete online accounts, notify your contacts list that you're dead - real basic stuff. But as the water streamed over my ecotoplasm this morning, I was ruminating how lame these guys are. They've barely taken the first baby step!

So I thought, why don't I create a super life/death info service for the 21st century? One that isn't limited to Earth-Plane basing or sourcing? Sure, my new comprehensive service (www.ream-atorium.com) will, for a small fee, trivially handle the death cleanups that the other guys do - but we'd do so much more!

For example, even in the basic post-human/physical-death cleanup space, these existing services can't be triggered until there's a notarized death certificate, in addition to notification by a relative whose identity can be reliably established, etc. Whole days could pass! Whereas my service, being etherically based, well obviously we know right away when a new spook arrives on the block over here! New kid in town! We've got our finger right on the trigger with this real-time loose-ends cleanup thing ("DeadOnArrival" basic service package).

But that's nothing. Consider the really innovative extensions we astrally-based expired entities can offer (this is called "shroud-sourcing" in ecto-geek jargon)

Reverse-Ream-atorium Service: With a reverse subscription, an etheric entity who jumps back down to the Earth Plane for another go-round can have all his astral junk cleaned up - we'd provide discarded thought form vaporization, astral sex fume fumigation, telepathic trace removal, embarrassing Akashic Records entry elision, unresolved karmic bond dissolution - we'd handle it all! Get off to a really clean start down there with none of those nagging worries "Did I remember to switch off the Oversoul hookup... ?"

Between-Life Data Persistence: Isn't it a nuisance when every damn time you get into a new Earth Plane human body you need to set up your email accounts, Twitter, PayPal, etc. everything all over again? Or else try to dredge up what hell was that password, after drinking from the River Lethe? Well, with our premium "LiveOnArrival" service, we'll handle everything for you! We can either carry over your old crap from your most recent incarnation and notify you of all your passwords, or set up everything fresh for you. Takes all the worry out of physicalization.

All the above... and so much more!

So, Tabby, all I need from you is your good name as an endorsement and just a bit of good faith up-front investment - so you have some fur in the game, I'm sure you understand.

What do you say?

- Etheric Entrepreneur

Dear EE,

I love it! You really are a genius! I'm honored to be approached with this opportunity to get in on the bottom floor. If you will kindly supply me with your basic information, as below, I can access your account and take care of the necessary procedures immediately. I very much look forward to harvesting the life-changing wealth that I'm confident our business relationship will bring me!

Your name
phone number
mailing address
email
PayPal account name
Paypal password
Bank name
Bank address
Bank phone number
SWIFT/ABA code
Account name
Account number
Your SSN
PIN
ATM password
Credit card number(s)
Expiration date(s)
Security code(s)
Online banking user name
Online banking password

Advice: Fashion Transplant

Dear Tabby,

I recently died off the Earth Plane (good riddance!) and though still settling in, I'm having a pretty good time up here in the etheric. But one problem has begun to nag at me lately - it's my looks. I seem to be stuck in the same image (shape, size, and appearance) as my physical body. But I never really liked my looks down there, and anyway I'm getting tired of being the same old face every day. How can I add some spice to my astral wardrobe?

- Immaterial Girl

Dear Iggy,

Maybe you didn't get the word, so let me clue you here and now that you can only take on the appearance of a body and image that you have previously actually lived down on the real Earth scene. Out here in the Astral Plae that's the rule, hard and fast.

Well actually, take it back, you do sometimes see astral entites in the guise of Napoleon or Jesus or what have you (without, presumably having actually  been those guys). That may seem like a refutation, but on the other hand, while it's theoretically possible to do that, you're frowned on as being only a cheap-ass, 2nd-hand knockoff, like a fake Rolex or off-brand Gucci imitation goods or something.

To have the legitimate right to own and use an appearance, you ought to have been that person for real. What this means in practice is, the more often you incarnate, the bigger and more varied your astral wardrobe becomes. Naturally you'll want to collect a lot of good-looking bodies to hang in your closet, providing a selelction of attractive and tasteful outfits for all ethereal occasions. So the solution is to 'get out and get down' (to the Earth Plane) more often until you finally are served up some bodies that really do it for you.

Advice: Poltergeist

Dear Tabby,

I wouldn't normally write to an online advice columnist, but my friend referred me to you and we're really desperate. For the past few months, we've had horrific disturbances right in our home. Cabinet drawers banging open and shut, objects flung through the air, beds levitating, there's just no end to the weirdness. Sometimes there are unearthly howls and screeches that would bleach your hair to hear, and we have even glimpsed scary dark shadows in corners and closets. Let me tell you, Tabby, that SHAPE, my God, not only inhuman but hardly even humanoid! Why, it's gotten so bad that lately our cute little Persian pure-bred long-hair kitty cat, Svelty, seems totally spooked every morning at sunrise - as though she's been chased around the living room by an incubus all night. What a disgusting thought! Poor little dear, we are simply at our wit's end. Whatever this thing is, it seems to eat like a pig (clears the fridge every night), smell like a skunk, leaves some kind of soft, woolly substance all over the furniture, not to mention the awful scratch marks dug across our beautiful wood floors. My husband and I are totally frazzled so even though he poo poos the idea that this could be some kind of supernatural entity, still when my friend told me there's a thing called a poltergeist that can attack a house, and when she mentioned you as some kind of  astral advice expert, I figured I had to write in and beg you for an answer. We can't take much more, we're at the breaking point!

- Teetering On the Edge

Dear TOE,

First, let me express my deepest sympathies for the travail that you and your loved ones have experienced. I want to state right at the outset that there can be no, I repeat no justification for poltergeist activity in today's world. That kind of medieval behavior went out with witches and exorcists, and I for one stand resolutely against any and all poltergeists. My personal crusade against this evil abuse won't end until every poltergeist of global reach has been found, stopped and defeated. ... *cough* ... Now, to address your particular situation, even though as I have stated, I would love to see every poltergeist hung from the highest yardarm, still there are certain practical measures we'll need to adopt to resolve your case. See, in order to defeat a poltergeist you need to learn to think like a poltergeist. (And you've come to the right place, because there's nobody better at that than me!) Get into their heads, charm and disarm them, lure them out in the open as it were.

Therefore, I have drafted the following set of "Tabby's Anti-Poltergeist Expedited Wrap-up Obligatory Reductive Measures" (TAPEWORM program), which I make available to you below absolutely free of charge. Please immediately implement the following anti-poltergeist points, some of which may seem, at first blush, somewhat counter-intuitive, but you are working with a professional now (me), so get cracking:

1. Double-stock the fridge every night before bed. The following substances (the "Three C's" as they are known in the ghost-busting business) have been found to be particularly effective at poltergeist de-infestation : Caviar, Champagne, and Catnip.

2. Please put a few more pillows on your sofa.

3. You mentioned Svelty, your pure-bred Persian pet. She sure is a doll, isn't she! Er... what I ... mean to say is, a single pet is a lonely pet, prone to all kinds of hysterical upsets. She probably needs company. Please consider adopting companions for her. Are her sisters from the same litter available?

4. Leave wads of cash in random spots throughout your home. A poltergeist encountering a stack of large-denomination bills in an infested house is usually observed to stare in fascination, approach them cautiously, grasp them fervidly, examine them closely, and run screaming from the scene. Replenish as necessary until infestation eases.

5. Tell your husband to put away that shotgun! Poltergeists are completely ethereal so randomly blasting buckshot at the intruder will do nothing more than turn your walls (and those of the next three adjoining units) to cottage cheese.

Distribute these five anti-poltergeist measures to your neighbors. If you all join together in a common TAPEWORM-based anti-poltergeist effort, you greatly increase the odds of eventual victory. In unity there is strength!

Should you have any questions on the exact application of the TAPEWORM program to your particular infestation, or if for any reason it does not yield immediate results, I am available for on-site consultation to you and your neighbors at standard industry rates plus per diem expenses. In the meantime, I wish you every blessing and I am confident that your evident firm resolve and clear-thinking, energetic determination will be more than sufficient to impress any potential poltergeist with the need to think twice before messing with you.

Advice: Dirty Tabby

Dear Tabby,

I am just a normal astral entity trying to keep my head down and my nose clean. I've been human on the Earth Plane a few times, and now, like so many of your readers seem to be, out of boredom or whatever I'm pondering whether to take the leap down there to the physical for another go-round as a human. I'm thinking there might yet be something great down there for me. Yet, somehow it's still rather intimidating. What's your take on it Tabby?

- Prudently Undecided but Needing Kicks

Dear PUNK,

I know what you're thinking. Has the Earth Plane unloaded all its got onto me yet, or not? Well, to tell you the truth, PUNK, in all this excitement down here in the Physical, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is the Earth System, the most powerful soulgrinder in all the 10 dimensions, and would blast your ectoplasm clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: in my previous lives has the Earth System shot its wad at me completely? Have I been burned at the stake, broken on the rack, had root canal, done a spinal tap, gone headfirst through a windshield, been earthquaked and tidalwaved and blackplagued, blown to shit by a claymore and drilled to swiss cheese by a shotgun and hanged by the neck until dead and impaled on a stake while alive, been raped and tortured and mocked and abused and oppressed in every conceivable way, have I run the whole gamut already? In other words, you need to ask yourself  Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya PUNK?

Advice: The Customer is Always Right

Dear Tabby,

So. You are the famous Tabby Cat. Goddamn you! Tabby RAT is more like it! My soulmate wrote to you a few decades back, innocently asking for your opinion about whether she should jump down into an Earth Plane human incarnation. She only wanted to have a little fun, was all it was! Yet she was worried about Earth's rough and tumble reputation (and rightly so, as things turned out!). But you... instead of forthrightly informing her of the tremendous risk involved, you took advantage of her beautiful questing spirit and egged her on, for sport, with your trademark merciless sarcasm, you wrote and I quote: "Don't be such a chickenshit! Go for it!" This was a lovely sweet spirit, the very soul of gentleness, a pure clear entity certainly destined for greatness up in the Higher Spheres one day... maybe even the Celestical Council itself. And now what came back up here to me?? I'll tell you what came back (I can't use the word who any more...) After a single lousy tour down there on your precious Earth Plane, she has been reduced to nothing more than a smoking pile of charred spiritual debris! She's nothing but a brawling, spitting, foul-mouthed, racist, psychopathic scumbag. That's what the grinder of physical existence did to her! Her soul has been twisted and stomped beyond all recognition. Where she once wrote lovely music and recited celestial poetry, she spends all her day now muttering dark imprecations and curses, bitterly castigating every other race but the one she was down on Earth, her mind sunk into a filthy abyss of racism, greed, money, hate, drugs, revenge, and sex! (Well that last part isn't so bad actually but ... *cough* Damn  it you know what I'm trying to say here!) In other words, she's been transformed into a typical booze swilling, pill popping, cig puffing, know-nothing, hate-mongering HUMAN SHELL like all the other 6 billion down there. So now tell me, Tabby Rat, who has done this? Who can answer at the throne of God? It was YOU Tabby! Don't try to shrink from it, don't try to hide behind your usual cloak of labored sarcasm and zoological infallibility. Stand up for once and face it like a man! My lawyers will call on you in the morning.

- Love to Hunt Me Some Cat Meat

Dear Cat Lover,

Thank you very much for your recent comment, feedback, or inquiry. While Tabby Cat(r) is too busy to answer every individual query personally, we are glad that our service has been relevant to your life. Rest assured that every letter is individually read and that all input is greatly valued. Your opinion matters to us! We look forward to continue to serve you should your future plans call for etheric consultation. We know that you do have a choice in Astral Advice Animals, and we thank you for giving Tabby Cat(r)  the chance to direct your soul's journey.

Advice: Template

Dear Tabby,

Love your stuff, but I have a question? I'm an average spook up here in the Etheric who pretty much minds my own business. I try to eke out the eons without succumbing to the lure of Earth-plane incarnation - as it's so messy, unpredictable and dangerous!. Anyway having a lot of millenia on my hands, I read a lot and your advice column has recently come to my attention. Scanning the archives it seems to me almost as though your columns follow some kind of predictable boilerplate, almost like a formulaic, cookie-cutter approach to being an Astral Advice Animal, as you claim to be. Statistical analysis of all your columns seems to show that you are following a blueprint such as what I've entered below, a typical letter and your typical response, in schematic form:

Dear Tabby,

[Flattering opening line]
[Statement of astral/etheric identity]
[Explanation of stupid problem which. even though it's occurring in the Spirit World, revolves around the same dumbass identity, ego, and relationship issues that obsess everybody on the Earth Plane]
[Assertion of extreme severity of the problem]
[Weasely pleading for help]

- [Innocently self-demeaning sig line]

Dear [Insulting twist or take-off on correspondent's sig],

[Superficially respectful but subtly contemptuous greeting]
[Open ridicule of correspondent]
OPTION 1: [Curt dismissal of correspondent's problem as no big deal]
OPTION 2: [Alternatively, feigned shock that anybody could possibly be so fucked up as to have correspondent's extreme problem]
[Acknowledgment that correspondent nevertheless does need help]
[Comparison of correspondent's problem to that of some totally crazed idiotic member of Tabby Cat's deranged extended family]
[Utterly off the wall suggestion for resolution of correspondent's problem which if followed would certainly lead to utter disaster but which fortunately most of the time is so totally incomprehensible there's little danger anybody would even attempt it]
[Sarcastic assertion that Tabby actually cares and would appreciate a progress note or followup from correspondent]

Surely you aren't just feeding us a lot of fake pablum that you cook up by yourself in your back-office? Say it ain't so, Tabby!

- A Statistical Sophisticate

Dear ASS,

You need to get out more. Stop hiding under the fricking bed, go out there and get back down to Earth reality - in other words get a life for christ's fucking sake!

Advice: Blending in

Dear Tabby,

I have a serious problem. You have to help me. After enduring the outrageous slings and arrows of the Earth Plane shitstorm, I think my soul is kinked up and heavily scarred. I have scabs, tracks, and rope burns all over (from the tight binding of Samsaric existence). It's really been rough. But now that I'm thinking of relocating up to the Astral Plane, I'm getting worried about social acceptance up there. I guess you guys are very saintly, perfect, and pure.

Will I feel like a misfit?

- Scarface

Hey Face,

I feel your pain. But not to worry. See, most of the souls up here are Post-Human (your Post-Space Alien types tend to end up elsewhere). And recent research has shown that human females actually prefer a guy with scars and facial damage (well, within reason... *Cheshire Smile*) So you are in like Flint my man! Only caveat being that human females dislike guys when the facial marks are due to acne, or illness like chickenpox - seems they get off on residue of violence and trauma only. Violence and trauma, you say? Well if that doesn't fit the Earth Plane madness to a 't' I don't know what does. This is a cross-species result, by the way. Speaking as one who's been there (whiskers lost in ill-timed door closures; head divots resulting from enemy claw work; etc.) I look like somebody fed me face-first through a freaking catnip grinder yet I'm quite the social lion with the ladies up here. So come on and join the party!

Advice: You Tell 'em Sister

Dear Tabby,

Tabby, I don't know how to convey how much your great column means to me. It is so uplifting to read the words of a brave soul like yourself, dedicated to helping humans, spooks, ghosts, animals, in short the whole universe of entities to reach upward to the light, to grasp higher things beyond themselves, or should I say, to search inwardly, to the gentle grace that lies within!

When I see people waiting at the drug counter for their prescription meds, I just want to yell out to them " You don't need any meds to be healthy! Just connect with the universal energetic matrix and shout out I am whole!"

When I see people lining up at the ATM machine, I want to shout to them, "You don't need any machine to access the Universal Abundance! Just visionize your dreams and they will take form as a treasure before your eyes!"

When I see people at the liquor store stuffing bags full of whiskey and wine, I want to scream the joyous news at them, "You don't need drugs to ascend to the highest realms of the purest bliss. Merely open your heart to the abundance of grace that surrounds you."

When I see people at the gun store scrambling to hoard up ammo and heavy caliber firearms, I want sidle up to them and whisper gently, close to their ear "That 44 magnum won't protect you! Only merging into the universal brotherhood of souls will bring you final peace!"

But Tabby, I know that what you do, selflessly, thanklessly, day after exhausting day, week after grinding week, in writing this column has brought far more peace, love, joy, and connection into this world than I could ever hope to. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my soul.

- Sister in Spirit

Dear SIS

Your letter is so accurate as to my character and motivations - it's downright spooky! Why, I could practically have written it myself, haha. Anyway, for you readers out there who want to know how to reach the Universal Health, Abundance, Joy, and Protection mentioned in CF's great letter, you will need to purchase my special 20 volume DVD Box Set: "Return to Sender: Finding The God Within (The Tabby Cat Theo-Spiritual Visionization Course)". Remember this isn't a cult, it's not a religion -The TCTSVC is hardcore spiritual engineering, and as such represents the sum, totality, and transcendence of all cults, and all religions!

And even though my accountant and my tax guy are gonna be all over me like flies on shit for making this break-the-bank offer, even though I'm gonna bleed red all over my fine mohair carpet, I'm gonna hand this $5000-value set out to the first 20,000 people who order for only $199.99. Satisfaction Guaranteed!

Just go to my website below to enter your credit card info:

www.haveyougotbatsinyourfuckingbelfry.com

If you should happen to get a "Page not Found" or other connection problem, never fear, that's just due to the tremendous volume of orders we are currently experiencing! The servers can't keep up with your clamor for this product. Just KEEP ON TRYING, NEVER GIVE UP (in fact, that's Lesson One in the TCTSVC Course, so there's a freebie just for you right there!)

Advice: Pressure Test

Dear Tabby,

Are you a Certified Family Counselor and graduate of an accredited training program? I don't really know if I should bring such a sensitive problem as mine to just any amateur. But ok, since all else has failed, here goes. I died off the Earth Plane a month or so ago and was met at the exit door by my dear Mum, who Passed Beyond abut twenty years before. It all went just exactly as all the Life after Life type of books tell you it will, and I proceeded to install myself happily up here in the Astral Realm. That is until I began reading your column in the Daily Shroud. At first, I admit, your nasty feline cynicism really shocked me, but I got hooked and lately I've begun to suspect everything and everybody, even dear old Mum. Don’t get me wrong, Tabby, she’s a spook with a heart of gold and everything, but how much confidence can I have in her claim that she was my dear Mum in our just-completed human lives? How do I know this is really her? I admit that looks-wise, she truly is a dead ringer for my late Mum. But as I’m sure you of all people, Tabby, are aware, with us up here being made of ectoplasm, it takes only the merest bit of a nip and tuck, some quick cheek pinchups, and the barest thought of your desired target “look” and you can morph out your face in any direction you want. Why, beyond human face cloning, it's even possible to make yourself look like dog or a cat or any other dumb beast, haha! So maybe this spook just got hold of Mum's photo or something. So then I thought of testing her with some trick questions about my past Earth childhood, but she knew me like my own mother. (Hmmm so maybe after all she is my own mother) But for some reason, Tabby, I still smell a rat. Since all of us spooks have instantaneous wireless access to the Universal Akashic Books of The Totality of Past, Present and Future, and since our lack of skulls means our brains and thoughts are wide open books, why couldn't some tricky street spook have just boned up on all my charming little childhood exploits and be working off a cheat sheet?

Can you give me some test I can run, to be sure this is really my own dear Mum?

- Trust But Verify

Dear Trusty,

Thanks for your letter. Nice to get pitched a softball like this once in a while. Not that I'm denying the gravity of your problem, perish the thought. There's no doubt that astral identity theft is a growing social concern and needs to be taken with the utmost seriousness. But in your case I can offer a truly Solomonic fix. Go ahead and tell your Mum that you're having doubts, lay out the case for her just as you have to me. That's step one, because if she's a poser she may get so pissed at the challenge that she'll implode into a vapor trace right on the spot, problem solved. But if she reacts sympathetically to your concern, then she may very well be your Mum so you'll you need to drag up some heavier verificational artillery. In that case, tell her you need to set up a test. The ultimate proof of family love is how much hassle they're willing to undergo on your behalf, right? What they're willing to sacrifice. And what could be more of a total pain in the ass than slogging through another human Earth Plane life as your Mum? So you tell her that you two guys need to strengthen your bond by reincarnating together, as parent and child, all over again! If she refuses, then you can write her off as some random prankster. But if she's willing to drag her ass through the whole human shitshow just to ease your mind, then in my book, she's the real McCoy for sure. So in that case, you either wait around up here and meet her with open arms on the uptake (seventy years or so out, at current rates), or hell - if you're feeling really masochistic, give her twenty years or so down there and then jump right in and get born as a human kid again (and in that case, I can only wish you good fricking luck you're going to need it).