TABBY CAT Gamespace

Advice: Catalog Shopping

Dear Tabby,

Love your stuff Tab, I try to catch your column, with all those nutty problems from all your weirdo readers, every day. In fact lately you've got me thinking about my own future. I'm happy enough with my current embodiment as a Dilithium Worm in the Zeta Reticulan star system. But nothing lasts forever eh? The average lifespan of we DW's is only ten lightyears or so. So looking ahead to my next serving as the Samsaric Lazy Susan swings around, I've been skimming through the REI catalog (Reincarnational Entity Inventory) and pondering my next selection. The pullout on Earth Plane Embodiments kind of caught my eye, because it seems there's a real diverse selection down there. Up here in ZR, you can have any incarnation you want, as long as it's Dilithium Worm (as the old joke up here goes, haha). But anyway, I was really getting off on all the choice points the Earth Plane catalog offers, but then I began to get a little anxious, like - what should I be? A bird? Insect? Lizard? Though actually, I don't even know whether I should jump into the Animal or Vegetable Kingdom to begin with. And then there's the whole human thing going on down there, what's up with that anyway? It's getting to the point of costing me sleep at night. I think this is what somebody calls the overchoice phenomenon. So I've decided to leave it all in your paws, Tab. I'll go with your call!

What should I be, next go-round?

- All Ears

Dear Ears,

Thanks for writing, it's great to hear from readers in some of the farther-flung syndications. By the way, the name is 'Tabby'. Your letter is interesting but you left out a  key point that I'd really need to know to give you my best advice, namely what is your reincarnational goal? If I don't know what you hope to accomplish with your next soul transmigration, it's hard to zero in on a good body choice for you. If you are really serious and have the bucks, please contact my admin person to schedule a Customized Embodiment Consultation session. Yeah sure, it costs but ask yourself - aren't I worth it? Anyway, for now, let me give you my general advice on Earth Plane physicalization: Don't do it! Run for the fucking hills!!  Ahahahaha! Just kidding, just kidding. Seriously now, let's step back for a minute and summarize, what is so great, if anything, about Earth Plane incarnation, and then, given that, what embodiment is most geared to most fully optimize those particular experiences? Basically, the only cool things in Earth Plane existence can be pretty much boiled down to your basic "Three F's" list: Feeding, Fighting, and er... Frolicking. Capiche? Now I admit, some of these high tone fancy pants humans may try to tell you differently, talk about selfless service, art appreciation, laughter and love and all that. But take it from me, all that stuff is just pissing into the wind. So now that's settled, what kind of incarnation is going to max out your Three F exposure and opportunities? Well, some call me biased, but personally, if I were in your shoes (haha), I'd go feline for sure. Your basic earth cat is pretty much 100% fully targeted onto the Three F's, so there you go. Now the one caveat I need to clue you, when you are choosing your feline model option from the catalog give "Tiger" a miss. Yeah I know that model looks the sharpest on the page when  you're safely up there in ZR, browsing and shopping mode, but you'll find if you get into that particular model you won't last long because the humans will simply shoot you toute suite and skin you raw in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Then they'll grind up your bones for aphrodisiac powder. You might not think that seems so bad (cause you don't actually have any bones, at the moment), but ... trust me on this. Write when you get settled in and tell me how you're doing - I care.

Advice: Identity Crisis

Dear Tabby,

Help me out here, brah! Throw me a line. I'm having trouble telling the difference between you vs your owner! Which is which? I mean sometimes it seems like you are a semi-fictionalized character, a totally psychotic felinus domesticus who pontificates about the Earth Plane "Time Space Illusion" from his ectoplasmic perch in the Astral world, while at other times this very same blog seems to be authored by a rather tedious earthbound human male who spends most of his time dabbling pointlessly in yoga and combat sports, when not ranting insanely about wingnut fuckwit conspiracy theories.. Will the real Tabster please stand up already?

- Whiplashed

Dear Whipped,

Hmmmm....interesting... VERY interesting! I think I can see what you're getting at here... you almost seem to be hinting that a process of "bleedthrough" or something may be taking place between my identity and that of my owner! ... What a fascinating thesis! So, would you call that  some kind of unconscious projection or disassociative identification or personality displacement, maybe? Like some kind of Jekyll and Hyde type of scenario?? Whoa, Cuz! A lot of implications in that can of worms! Why, this insight is almost Freudian in its subtlety, profundity, and overall brilliance! Listen bro - with this, if you don't deserve a Nobel Prize in Armchair Psychology, why, I don't know who the hell does!

Ahahahaha! Gotcha! Had you going there for a moment didn't I? Look, the truth is very simple. There's only one author of this blog - me! Tabby Cat, A.A.E. (Astral Animal Extraordinaire). All the rumors out there are totally false, every single one, I deny everything! I stand alone as the sole auteur of all blog content.

[NOTE: The single exception to the above is the recent TABBYCAT Gamespace blog post: Mobbed Up. This particular post was authored by my human owner, not by me. I hereby disclaim all responsibility for this seditious, inexcusably irresponsible post, which, in the paranoid suspicions it voices concerning the duly constituted Astral Governing Authorities and Reincarnation Guidance, Planning, and Steering Committees essentially commits itself to an anti-authoritarian analysis of highly dubious legality. The post amounts to an illegitimate call for the violent overthrow of the duly constituted Universal Karmic Kommand, and I disclaim all responsibility for it. And if the DGS (Department of Gloamland Security) sees fit to initiate an investigation into the origin of that post for possible violations of the recently passed BODHISATTVA Act (Bolstering Official Detection and Hardass Intervention on Seditious Astral Terrorism and Transmigrational Vigilance Accountability Act), I pledge to cooperate fully with all consequent inquiries and prosecutions.]

Advice: Diploid

Dear Tabby,

I am a student of Ectanga Yoga up here in the Astral Plane. You know it’s all the rage lately, you must have seen clips of our stuff up on SpookTube or Akashic.rec. We bend, twist, and ply ourselves into ectoplasmic pretzels. Let’s face it - being a blob of spirit goo like we all are up here just isn’t sexy. We could all stand some toning and firming. Besides, our guru has taught that the more we can twist and stretch ourselves, the more we’ll qualify for  elevation to the Supremely Highest Planes! All well and good, but the other day, I might’ve gotten a little carried away? I tied the tail end of my etheric wraith onto an Inter-Plane Barrier fencepost and got my friend to pull my head, like pulling taffy down on Earth, you know? I figured I might as well just stretch it out good once for all and leapfrog myself straight up to the state of Supreme AkaChic Purity (as our celebrity guru calls it) in one good yank! But (I’m kind of embarrassed about this Tabby), what happened was my friend yanked real hard and suddenly *pook* - ripped me in half!  You know the pics you’d see in an Earth plane 7^th grade biology text, how an amoeba reproduces? Well, that’s me right now.

How can I fix this? I’m absolutely beside myself with worry.

-          Schizoplasmic Mess

Dear Mess,

Damn, you hear about Duality being problematic and all but this takes the cake. Anyway, I’m sorry to hear you’ve cloned yourself like this. Especially since frankly you don’t really seem like the sharpest knife in the drawer, do we really need another one of you? But there’s no use crying over split milk. I suggest you bid your tail a fond farewell, kiss it goodbye and wish it godspeed. It has its own karmic row to hoe now and if you try to tie it back on, that’ll do nothing but generate inter-gestational conflict. You have to learn to let go sometimes. Just be thankful you still have your head (though maybe you should have it examined, what is this Supreme AkaChic Purity crap??)

 

 

 

 

Advice: Soulnapping

Dear Tabby,

A dear friend of mine was mindnapped by a passing InterGalatic Soul Slaver  and sold down into the Earth plane as a Mind Cow. After some decades of human life, he died off the physical and we welcomed him back up here but he seems to have suffered total mental breakdown. This used to be a pretty intelligent spook, nobody's tool, but just the one cycle on that damn Earth-plane Time Space Illusion merry-go-round and now he's seriously fucked up. I mean this is an entity who used to be able to navigate with ease and fluency in all 1077 Quantum Cosmicized Infibulatory Dimensional Toroids and now his conversation is 100% range-bound on the Three Standard Human Obsessions:  Money, Health, and Personal Relationships. Don't get me wrong Tabby, I love the guy like a brother, but honestly what a fricking bore. I fear that if he goes human even one more time, he'll be lost to all higher sanity and rationality forever. Worst thing of all, he now goes around like some kind of loudmouth jackoff trying to get everybody else to jump into the human body wetsuit. He's practically become a one-soul embedded propaganda organ for the TSI.  So I need your best thinking here Tabby - how could this have happened to an otherwise intelligent entity? And, should I have him ectoplasmically restrained against his will,  stop him before he shills again?

- Wit's End

Dear Wits,

In the 1970's the Earth Plane millionaire heiress girl Patty Hearst was kidnapped by the Symbionese Liberation Army and subsequently joined the group and loudly espoused their vision of revolutionary terror. On the Earth Plane this is called the Stockholm Syndrome, when a captive takes on the mentality of the captors due to the extreme stress and fear triggered by the experience. Well, see, something a bit similar happens to many entities who for any reason get their toe dipped into the Time Space Illusion, especially when they do their TSI time as human. They start to actually identify with the human body and social role. In other words, his mind is now shot to shit. This can happen to any entity, even (or especially) the smart ones, and fore-knowledge of the existence of the Stockhom Syndrome is no defense at all. I feel your pain but if you really care for this friend you will need to stage an intervention. Good luck and write me when the dust settles how you guys are doing - I care.

Advice

Dear Tabby,

I'm just a quiet sort of ghost just getting by day to day in the Astral like anybody else. But times being what they are, I'd been finding it hard to scrape together enough Karma-Creds to keep my soul coherently integrated every month.I was just living off my capital, eating my seed corn of karmic points earned from my last Earth incarnation. My soul cohesion was starting to look kind of threadbare.  When I griped to my friend about it, he said he had an answer for me. Seems he's into some betting ring where they track invididual humans and gamble on their outcome - time and cause of death (they say that's a nice clean event to work with, cuts down on the arguments). So I threw a few K-Cred's into the pool on a professional car-eater. That's an Earth guy who smashes cars with a sledgehammer and eats the metal and glass for show. A heavy favorite up here to die during his act, but I bet against the spread and lo and behold, the guy chokes to death eating a ham sandwich on his day off. I really cleaned up on that one.  Since that got me hooked I've made a ton of K-Creds off the game, but lately I've started to have some qualms. See, the guys got impatient with the slow pace of Earth plane events so they've started to hover and flit around the Earth prospects, distracting them at critical moments so they'll drive into a utility pole, or nudging them to step into an open manhole, or slide on a banana peel off a high footbridge. In other words, they're gaming the system and the human marks are paying the price in blood. I don't feel right about that kind of stuff, so I'm wondering if I should withdraw from the action?

- Nervous About Getting Rich

Dear Nagger,

What are you, some kind of pussy? Think you're a saint? There's nothing at all wrong with a little off-world betting action, it's good clean fun. And if it keeps the wolf from the door, what kind of asshole is going to look a gift horse in the mouth? Don't worry about the body count, the Earthlings are all on a conveyor belt up here anyway. And doesn't it say in the Gita:

They have not been born, they do not die

So there you have it. Listen this sounds like fun and I could sure use the K-Cred's - shoot me an ectomail with your bud's cell, will you?

Advice: Stalker

Dear Tabby,

Hey Tabby, it's me, Biff, here in Puke Weasel, Michigan. Help! My pet cat Spunker and I are being stalked nightly in our dreams by some kind of etheric demon, an evil nocturnal sleep entity, spewing filth from the deepest chasm of Hell. You're the one on that whole crazy astral feline trip - so I'm begging you - exorcise it, vaporize it, save us! I'll pay whatever you ask!

Your Pal,

- Biff

Biff...  Biff...  Biff... ,

What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? You've read my column for many years, but this is the first time you came to me for counsel, for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me over to snort a line of catnip, even though the Puke Weasel branch of the Tabby Cat National Fan Club is the country's biggest local chapter. But let's be frank here: you never wanted my friendship.  And uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.

But I understand. You found paradise on the Earth Plane, found a nice trailer park, made a good living as a dice inspector. The police protected your physical body; and there were courts of law. And you didn't need a friend of me. But uh, now you come to me and you say "Don Tabbleone give me justice." But you don't think to ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfeline. Instead, you come to my blog on a day when I ought to be peacefully writing my usual blindingly brilliant entry and you uh ask me to do murder, for money.

Had you come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your Spunker's sleep would be suffering this very  day. And that by chance if an honest pet owner such as yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.

Advice: Startup Venture

Dear Tabby,

Listen up please, this is the business opportunity of a lifetime, just for you! Woody Allen once said "I've got nothing against death, I just don't want to be there when it happens". Well, my colleagues and I up here on the Astral Plane are taking that seriously - but turning it on its head. Our motto is: we have nothing against life but nobody wants to be there when that happens either, right? I mean, look at the scorecard. Murder, suicide, disease, torture, rape, verbal and emotional abuse of every imaginable sort, starvation, political oppression, jailhouse gangs, gulags and sweatshops, head-hunting and cannibalism- need I go on? That's the Earth Plane for you. Yet, all souls are mandated by the politically bulletproof Time/Space Obligation Act (TSOA) to undergo a practically unlimited number of human existences, at the direction and pleasure of the Karmic Overlord Committee (KOC) acting through individual so-called Spirit Guides. Obviously a total scam! When I was younger, I thought violent overthrow of the Committee was the only way forward, but now with greater maturity I realize this is the kind of ungodly profit opportunity that only unbalanced, tyrannical legislation can create.

My techie friends and I have therefore created a system whereby a soul can perform human life actions "as if" incarnated, by manipulating their human body unit through remote control! No more actual climbing into the wetsuit! Never again experience the pain of a stubbed toe, the stab of toothache, disabling appendicitis, embarassing flatulence. All these conditions and more are merely signaled on the monitor with an unobtrusive beep, and the operator can take appropriate corrective action as needed - in a calm, cool, unhurried and hyper-efficient fashion.

Just as Earth Plane surgeons can now operate remotely over a telemetric computer link from thousands of miles away with just a video monitor and a joystick, now with our revolutionary "Samsaric Offsite Umbilical Leash Backseat Oversight Technology" (SOULBOT) system, souls can do the same with human bodies. A soul can drive its incarnation through the entire gauntlet of usual human existential bullshit remotely, all the while lounging in perfect comfort up on its Astral cloud! (Kind of like the Mars Rover exploration vehicle, remote-controlled out of NASA headquarters.)

We're still brainstorming the company name. I'd like us to go with "Soulbot Creative Astral Machines, Inc."  Some of the guys here say they don't feel entirely cool with that, though they can't quite put their finger on the problem. Maybe that's something you could help us with.

Be that as it may, primarily what remains are the political and legal challenges. And that, Tabby, is where you can really shine for us! We could really use your political credibility, telegenic media charisma, and overall gravitas to help us get KOC approval. We need to insure that Karma Kredits earned on the SOULBOT have the same legal-tender status as Kreds earned the old-fashioned way, down in the meat. Futhermore, we want the TSOA amended to allow for souls to hire another soul to act in their stead. Like a babysitter type of concept. After all, even without feeling the smacks and humiliation of actual physical existence, we recognize it could get plain dull having to watch your own incarnation on the monitor up to 16 or more hours every day. We are working on automation software, but in the meantime we need a TSOA tweak to allow low-wage temp workers to be hired to man the consoles for high net worth Oversouls that have more important things to do than hold their human incarnation's hand all day long. We'll need some PR help too, with certain demographics that are bound to oppose this epochal advance. The hyper-macho Calvinist throwback types and other dinosaurs will fight us tooth and nail in a rearguard action to re-impose their tiresome "adversity builds character" thing, and we'll need you to beat them back.

So bottom line: Tabby, will you come on our Board of Directors? The honorarium is extremely generous and you travel to all Board meetings at our expense including a lavish per diem. Of course we do require commitment of a certain level of personal investment, just a trivial formal requirement for all Officers of the Company - merely to demonstrate you have some skin in the game.

Please join us in upgrading the old (highly effective) Christian marketing buzzline "Death, where is thy sting?" to our 21st century version: "Life, where is thy sting?"

- Botsters

Dear Bsters,

Man, I am gonna have to hire a secretary to filter the junk mail around here! Yet another crazy-ass internet offer email. Bit better than the usual whisker-elongation gizmos and tail-chase performance enhancement pills I'm usually bombarded with. Sorry guys, my funds are all tied up with my own company, manufacturing and marketing self-cleaning litter boxes. Promotional material enclosed.

Advice: Soul on Ice

Dear Tabby,

I had a pretty good life as a guy on the Earth Plane, late 20th century time frame. I was a shrewd businessman and I owned a lot of real estate, several Lamborghini sports cars, trophy wife, and other emblems of worldly success. As I got older, I thought what a shame to leave all this stuff behind so I arranged for my body to be cryonically frozen. My bod is now stored in a corporate cryonics facility pending the future time when they are gonna defrost me and bring me to life again. But meanwhile, since I've been up here on the Astral Plane, I've been having second thoughts. Things are great up here Tabby! Why didn't somebody tell me before? Perfect year-round climate, all-day sunshine, infinite soul sex opportunities, why, it's better than Marin County in the 70's! But Earth Plane high tech is advancing so rapidly, I fear the day is not far off when those earthlings are going to start thawing me out - and I don't want to be brought back to physical life anymore! However, they're bound by their contract to attempt it, and I'm afraid they might succeed. Then I'll be stuck right back down there again, in all that material mud. How can I get out of this?

Please advise asap,

- Deal-Breaker

Dear Tabby,

I've never heard of you, but a friend told me you are some kind of super guru or something so I thought what the hell I'll try this guy. Here's the thing: I was recently human incarnated on the Earth Plane. But I had lots of problems, so I committed suicide to see if that could bring about an uptick in my prospects. But all I found here on the Astral Plane is a bunch of tiresome Spirit Guide busybodies constantly harping on how I shouldn't oughta have done that (knocked myself off),and those bozo's are really getting on my nerves! Plus things are kind of dim and foggy everyday, it's gloomy. And my fellow Astral inmates around here are no fun at all, bunch of addicts and druggies and gloom-n-doom mongers, basically they're all hungry ghosts and pretas. I'm sick of it. I want to go back to Earth, but then I think about starting over as a baby again, the whole birth and childhood thing, what a total drag. Isn't there some easier way to just get back there, and touchdown again with a driver's license, some cash in the bank, not starting totally from zero? Basically I just need a functioning adult body, preferably a rich one. I'm gotten so desperate I even checked out an Incarnation Agency this morning, to try for a "Walk-In" lease on a good human body, but the guy there told me to forget about it. He said if I'd of contacted them last week it would've been a breeze to set something up, but it seems that just yesterday some jackass internet columnist started slandering the Incarnation Agencies and warning about the Walk-In solicitation industry being a big fraud, and all the human-body rental prospects read this asshole's warning so now the whole operation has to go to ground for a while. Boy how I'd like to wring that dickwad's scrawny neck!

Anyway, I'm desperate to get back in a human body! Can't you do anything?

- Dead-Waker

Dear Breaker and Waker,

You humans just crack me up. Really. You slay me, you really do. DB, meet DW. I'll let you guys take it from here. I'm sure you know what to do.

Best of luck,
Tabby (Match-Maker)

Advice: Next Big Move

Dear Tabby,

I'm a young-ish soul, only been through 3 million or so Earth Plane lives, and so far only as an insect or animal (no offense!). Now on my next go-round, I really think I'm ready to make the big step up to a human life! My question is, what socio-cultural identity will be best for me? The Chinese seem to be hot right now and getting ever more so, but that air pollution! Meanwhile the Anglo's have a nice killer-ape Alpha-chimp power vibe going, but are they slipping from their inside edge lately? And overall it seems that the Equatorial/tropical guys have the most fun - or at least, their dances are best.

What would you do Tabby?

- Ambitious Un-Affiliated Proto-Soul

Dear PS,

Look, you are basically barking (excuse my language) up the wrong tree here , as your letter seems to place humans at the apex of the earth scene, which I don't really buy into. But since you ask what type of human to become, I would answer "None of the Above". Not that we animals really want you back  either (no offense!) but merely saying that you can do better, reach higher than human. See, the humans started out as pack animals, evolved through being herd animals, and are now beginning the long march to hive animal status. Heading for total lockdown! Which is fine, there's much to be said for the absolute elimination of thought, freedom, and individuality.

But why settle for half-measures? If I were you, starting out on a clean slate without the karmic hangover that human life usually entails, I'd leapfrog the whole game by jumping straight into a life as an space-alien Gray. You know those pics showing a baldy, scrawny, pencil-neck, gray-skinned guy, with huge lidless black eyes, zero nose, and a slit for a mouth? Ultimate hive animal! And with the humans fouling their own nest so bad, I figure these Grays will swoop in and clean up on fire-sale-priced Planet Earth real estate before long. And if not, even if the humans manage to pull through, they themselves are mutating into spineless, soulless, hive-dwelling, technoid, insectoid Grays anyway. They're becoming aliens on their own planet. So why not jump the gun, beat the crowd, and get yourself a leg up?

Best of all, the Grays have the most kick-ass hyper-advanced weaponry, which is all the humans really care about anyway, supremely cool shit like Totalizer(tm) planetary dematerialization torpedoes.

Advice: Rental Scam

Dear Tabby,

I'm an ordinary young Earth-plane woman, just another human like anybody else, trying to make ends meet between full-time work and part-time school (Medical Assistant program). Recently, I don't know if somebody noticed I'm a bit cash-strapped or what, but I got an email from somebody saying they want to rent my body. The message said that they need to use my body for their "Walk-In" accommodation program, and they promise keep it up in very good condition, and I'll be paid a huge sum (26 million KarmaKredits) for the rental. Frankly I am a bit pinched financially lately, so I'm  kinda tempted to go for it.

What would you advise?

- Tight This Month

Dear Tight,

This is a complete scam! Please don't go near it with a ten-foot pole. Many young women have been receiving these emails but typically any unsolicited "Walk-In" offer constitutes a total fraud. Basically, a "Walk-In" is a soul who desires the human physical-plane experience, but without going through the unbelievable hassle of an actual human birth and childhood. Can't blame them for that, but in their pursuit of materiality without tears, they often run roughshod over the body-owner's property rights. Typically you would be required to vacate yourself for the term of the sublet, while the Walk-In takes possession of your mind, body, appearance, and human social existence. It's basically a form of legalized Identity Theft on steroids.

First of all, when you respond to such a solicitation you aren't dealing with your prospective tenant directly. This is merely an Incarnation Agency, trolling with spam. They will typically claim it's a time-bounded temporary rental, but many cases have been reported of the Walk-In soul failing to vacate when the lease expires. When that happens, the soul currently in possession has the presumption of prior right, and the whole thing needs to be adjudicated by the High Akashic Courts, which can easily drag into millenia.

Also, many cases have been reported of failure to maintain the property (your body) in acceptable condition, upon vacating the premises. Often the physical, emotional, and social damage done to your human existence in your absence runs to many times the amount of the security deposit.

Additionally, many Walk-In hosts have accepted cash only to realize later that they've been paid counterfeit KarmaKred bills. Be sure to carefully inspect all KK notes received as payment in any questionable transaction such as this. Please also consider that the exchange rate between KarmaKreds and US dollars really sucks. The KarmaKred, backed as it is by Universal Morality, Saintliness, Altruism, and the Golden Rule, is pretty much completely worthless on the Earth Plane - many millions of KK's to the dollar.

Lastly, you need to think about your own lodging costs while the renter is in possession of your body. You may need to get your own short-term Walk-In sub-let; typically these are not the highest quality human lives. Alternatively you can move to a shared accommodation with friends, but unless you are on really good personal terms with the other roommates and the owner, this option can bring up its own set of challenges (cf. American Psychiatric Association DSM-III - Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD); revised to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) as of DSM-IV).

How to recognize a Walk-In rental scam:

* The solicitation emails from Incarnation Agencies usually contain notable grammatical errors.
* The "story" often  has a sense of urgency about it, needing to find a body for Walking-In within the next month; sometimes the story has inconsistencies as well.
* The prospective tenant wants to use an intermediary (channeler or spirit medium) to make payment.

How to avoid a Walk-In rental scam:

* Never accept more payment than the amount you request (such acceptance may be construed by the Karmic Kourts in some Etheric jurisdictions as consituting tacit forefiture of your physical body).
* Always ask for references from the prospective tenant's Spirit Guides.
* Google the potential tenant's name in the Akashic Records and see if anything of concern comes up.